fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
