would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
