Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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