So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
