I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
