I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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