I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I would ride that face into the sunset
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
