who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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