i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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