I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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