guys are only as good as the porn they watch
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize