just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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