"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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