no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
