i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
