I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
