Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
