So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
