No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
