haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
