just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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