if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
