I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Never joke about your clitoris.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
