I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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