My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Drunk is not a location!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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