Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
