I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
