There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
