He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
