he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
