I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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