found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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