I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
