Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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