I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
