We're like a lot better than the average bears
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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