you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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