Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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