I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
