Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
