btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
