No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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