if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
