the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
