Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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