if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize