I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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