I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
