and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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