how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
