im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I can't turn off my feet"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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