i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
