My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
