i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
