i love accidental penises.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
