i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
