Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Tell her she can't have a vagina
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
